Love II

When I was younger, I was never sure if I knew love. It always appeared to be something outside of me that I was chasing and never truly felt filled up by. On holidays, love appeared reserved for other children and for other families while I carried a feeling of emptiness, longing for something I did not know. This is not to say my family did not carry and share love, only to say that I was unsure how to take it in. I had a thirst for adventure, and yet, when I would leave my family I would feel a deep sadness and loneliness. But when I was with them, I still carried a feeling of not belonging and feeling separate. It seemed like a lose-lose situation. When I was old enough to become interested in romance, I thought that would be my answer. A romantic interest or partner would fill the part of me that was yearning for this loving experience. Yet, it only seemed to bring more complication and hurt, specifically in the form of jealousy, anger, shame, and competition. These were the emotions I was most familiar with in area of intimacy. I was lost with love, it only seemed to exist in fantasy. Not until many years later, as I began to peel away the layers of these negative emotion states I lived in for much of my life, did I begin to see what was burgeoning bright within me all along. With practice, I could begin to experience an overwhelming sensation of gratitude for existence itself and feel genuinely motivated to share it with all. What a magnificent sensation! I began to see that gratitude was not some punishment adults gave you when you were being “selfish.” Gratitude was an opportunity to experience beauty like never before. It was a gift we all have. I still forget sometimes, but not as often as before, and I am quickly reminded by the various things in my life that have become amplifiers of that beauty and that love. With the right intention, there are no shortage of opportunities to remember gratitude and love, and to recognize when we are not in it. However, the things in my life did not always remind me of love but quite the opposite.

For example, I needed to heal the blockages in my way of relationship before I could see relationship as an amplifier of love. I am still growing in this area, still discovering how relationship can serve and amplify my purpose. However, an easy mistake is to choose relationship in order to feel like you are a part of something and worthy of the collective Spirit. For me personally, it was and continues to be important to learn my worth independent of others. Searching for love through relationship to others can breed dependency, and though we are always in relationship, knowing we are a part of all things does not require others’ participation or validation. I did not know my worthiness for many years, and so seeking love in relationship only appeared to amplify my unworthiness. As I practice worthiness in myself each day, I find that relationship can now amplify this worthiness… of love. Relationship, sex, and other forms of connection are amplifiers, they will amplify whatever you are already carrying. Love does not live inherently in these experiences of connection, it lives within your own capacity underneath the layers of scar tissue. Therefore, you do not need these emotional amplifiers to touch love, just as you do not need sound amplifiers to hear music. You only need to recognize what you have always been carrying and always been worthy of. Only then can you experience the true gift of such amplifying experiences.

I do not mean to portray the path to love as such a linear journey or that you must find love alone before you let others in. Connection and community is an invaluable part of the path and others help you heal in ways you could not do alone, but if you feel dependent on others to do this for you, you may lack a recognition of the power you have to do so for yourself. Any experience that amplifies what you are carrying is an opportunity to see precisely what is standing in your way. If something other than love is being amplified by a relationship to someone or by a membership to some community, you may glimpse the invitation to go toward that energy, to listen to it, and to find the tools to learn from it and release it. All of life is an opportunity to get closer to the frequency of love, and as you get closer to embodying that frequency, all of life becomes an amplifier for it. As you become more and more the vessel for love, your outside mirrors the inside and you never lose sight of what is flowing within you and all around you. You become an amplifier and a transmuter yourself, like the shaman tree - a vessel, support, and medicine for all things. You remember at all times that love is not to be bought or sold, earned or lost, but known and chosen in every moment.

Many who have said “Yes” to the healing path, the “spiritual” path, or whatever name you want to give to a path of growth and expansion in oneself, have come upon the notion that we are all branches of the same tree. This notion is found at the root of many, many religious traditions, shared spiritual practices, healing modalities, indigenous cultures, and philosophical writings. The notion is found so ubiquitously across cultures and societies that it is easy to shrug off as cliche or false. Anyone who you might share this with might be quick to say that this is not new and, therefore, they have already chosen a stance on it. Even those who might agree with the idea intellectually or in principle are likely limited by the fact that they have not experienced such a state of connection. It is truly only in experiencing this truth that one can come to embody the practice that we are all children of Spirit. I was open to such an idea as a young person but never truly embodied it and, therefore, was just as disadvantaged as those who outright denied it. I was open to the idea intellectually but behaved as though it were not true. There was a disconnect between my intellectually held belief and my action. I held so much judgment, blame, and shame of myself and of others, that I was blocked from truly acknowledging the connection between us all in practice. My ego, also known as my separateness, led me to competition energy rather than collaboration. Our brains are not conditioned or wired to acknowledge this connection, they fight for survival and attempt to compete and “win out” against other beings that it perceives as threatening. This is a form of instinctual tribalism that some would say is “innate.” However, just because something has taken place historically and conditioned us to act accordingly does not make it “innate” or even necessary. There is much corrective literature now about the collaborative nature of evolution and that the human species evolves significantly more through collaboration than competitive destruction or “survival of the fittest” mentality. All is to say that when you experience love as a state of being, it becomes all the more clear that this experience is readily available to all you and is not scarce, endangered, or at risk of going extinct. It is not necessary to hunt for love.

Love comes from within. It cannot be more simply put than that, can it? But what does this statement truly mean? The actions of society certainly do not reflect these words. Everything you see from media to consumerism spreads a different message. The message you often receive is that love can be bought, sold, earned, and lost. None of this really speaks to the idea that not only does love come from within but you are love. The frequency, vibration, emotion, and experience of love is the truth of what you are. You are not in relationship to love, you are a part of love. Just as you can experience the natural world and also recognize you are a part of nature, you can experience love and also recognize you are a part of this loving nature. You can be a vessel for which the frequency of love flows through. You do not often hear of advertisements for buying, selling, earning, or losing experiences likes hatred, judgment, blame, or shame. However, you can choose these experiences and become a vessel for them just as you can for love. Emotion energies span the rainbow of choices for you to embody and be a vessel for. Just as easily as you can conjure judgment, you can conjure love, yet for some reason our society makes it seem like love remains hidden behind paywalls and extravagant gestures. Furthermore, because we are such relational beings we have internalized the idea that love happens only in relationship - in romantic partnership, in family, and other relational experiences. Of course, love can happen and be readily amplified in such beautiful relationships, but love does not live in these relationships. Love lives within the human experience itself, within the capacity and reach of all beings. Therefore, you need not have a partner in the creation of love, you only need recognize your own powers of manifestation to channel this frequency, and if it feels far away or untouchable then start with where you are at. Practice going toward love even if it does not make sense to you just yet. Practice seeing the possibility that this experience exists even if it was wholly absent in your family of origin or all romantic or friendship experiences to date. Even if your only attachment to relationship has been abuse, neglect, or a host of negative and hurtful dynamics, practice trusting that the frequency of love still lives under all those layers of tarnished clothing.

Love lives and breathes within you, just hidden beyond your current circumstances. With practice, you can touch the experience of love for free and without anyone else’s permission or reciprocation. Love is here for all because love is a part of all things. Other beings and life forms do not appear to choose love, they simply know love. When a baby is born, ideally without heavy ancestral burdens of trauma, they simply know love when they see it. Babies need care to survive, but they do not need to be taught love. They know love as long as the environmental conditions are such that they can expand into this knowing. If conditions do not support a baby’s access to love, it is not because they do not know love but because their access has been distorted and layered over with emotional scar tissue. As humans grow, they become encumbered by the conditions and layers of emotional scar tissue that protected them from hurt, and they forget what was always within them. Once you remember truth of what lives within you, you can practice going toward it as often as you like, even in dire circumstances. The choice is not always an easy one and, at times, may go against every cell in your nervous system that is crying out for threat, danger, and survival, but your awareness is greater than simply your nervous system. With expanded awareness, you may recognize love even beyond the physical body you contain it within. You may feel this frequency overflow through your vessel of a body and through the vessel of all beings, of all life. Even if you forget, you can trust that other beings, other life does not forget. And for that reason, love is always available to you. Even when you yourself cannot seem to choose it, other beings choose for you and shower you with their love, knowing it is overflowing and will not run out. And when others appear to forget, you remember for them. You can be the purveyor of light and love when others see only darkness. This is your right and your capacity as a human being - to transmute all forms of energy into love. It is the innate alchemy you carry.