Specialness
Most of my life I craved specialness. I was not always aware of the desire explicitly, but I often fantasized about my true superhero nature and existence outside of the painful confines of my physical reality and its systems of control. I was desperate for escape, desperate to seize my true talents and abilities and soar above the authorities keeping me stuck, controlled, and often in trouble. I certainly wanted to be validated for my uniqueness, but I also wanted freedom - freedom from school, freedom from parents, and freedom from my own painful thoughts and feelings. It appeared that specialness was my only ticket to freedom and unless I was able to impress my gifts on the world, I would never be free. However, my personality dynamics and behaviors often elicited a different kind of specialness, leaving me feeling singled out, isolated, and unworthy. I was deeply sensitive and often misunderstood for my reactions, which could be quite threatening, aggressive, and generally disrespectful when challenged. I could not pay attention for the life of me, often caught daydreaming of my superhero life - my real life - and my traumatized nervous system often betrayed me with compulsive ticks, vocal outbursts, body tremors, and hyper-excitable energy. My desire for specialness appeared destined for failure. I was special alright, special in the worst way. I was held back a year in pre-school because they did not think I was ready for the trials and tribulations of kindergarten ( I do not remember the exact reasoning, though I know I annoyed the teachers by never sleeping during nap time and counting the ceiling tiles out loud instead). I managed to develop hateful relationships with some teachers, choosing to react spitefully when I sensed any form of ill-will directed my way. I was, for better or worse, hyper-attuned and hyper-sensitive. I knew what people were feeling and I could feel it in my own body with little separation or boundary. For these reasons, I despised school but I could not articulate why, the energy just made me feel terrible, insecure, and worn down. I did not belong there, I belonged in the skies where I was free to fly across the world, being of service to those in need, and returning to my cottage in the clouds with all the video games I desired, and of course my superhero girlfriend, “Jessica.” I am not exaggerating when I say I quietly held onto this fantasy of my true life until it was steadily and heartbreakingly stripped from my soul somewhere in my teenage years.
Not until years later did I discover that my fantasy was not so much a fantasy after all, but a calling to what I would one day birth into the world. I may not have been destined to fly as a superhero, but I was destined to get free and to invite others to see the possibilities for freedom. My path led me to choose freedom from limited conditions, from pain, and from all systems that did not align with my highest truth and power. I came here, to this life, to own my power and release all guilt and shame around who I am and what I have to give. The fantasy played out with some twists and turns as I entering the all the places that elicited my wounds, my trauma, and my feelings of disempowerment. Just as the hero must be tested to show their courage, we are all invited into relationships with the very people, places, and things that trigger us the most so we may transmute the fear and break free from the constraints, both inside and out. For a while, I sought all sorts of distractions for the mind and body while stuck in these conditions before I was able to confront the stories of my life playing out just as they had in those early classrooms - in trouble, breaking rules, feeling outcast, never feeling good enough or smart enough or lovable enough, and eventually becoming deeply sick.
The deep desire for specialness from a place of lack and unworthiness was simply re-enacting old patterns of rejection and the very unworthy energy it was coming from. Rather than align with my own truth, I was unconsciously choosing to remain stuck in these powerless positions while letting the negative thoughts and emotions boil over. I was not actually taking steps to honor my specialness, my power, and my health by going toward my own Light. I kept trying to fight for specialness in the very places it would never be found, in comparison to others’ stories that were never my own. The thought of my own path was rife with fear and trepidation, hence why I kept attempting to fit into others’ boxes, others’ careers, others’ vision of happiness and fulfillment. In my fantasy, the escape hatch from this misery would simply appear as would the opportunities, but on this planet we call “Earth,” the Vision requires aligned action to become a reality. Rather than stew in the negativity, resentment, and judgment of myself and others, I had to let go of the constant uphill battle to somehow get free in the eyes of others - my supervisors, my teachers, my peers, my family, and all other human beings I had given authority over me. I had to truly become my own authority and look to Spirit for guidance. Once I discovered a way to discern my own truth and my own path by continuously checking in with Source and my own Heart Space, it became clear I could finally begin letting go of this push for specialness within systems that only mirrored back feelings of aloneness and smallness. Only when I chose to step outside the boundaries and conditions I had been fearfully and resentfully living within and create my life on my terms, did the specialness begin to feel more like wholeness and unconditional love in my uniqueness under the eyes and care of Great Spirit. In my own time and space, I could finally see the physical sickness begin to lift alongside the sickness in belief and thinking that had been playing out a false idea of specialness based in fear, ego, and comparison rather than simply because it is my nature to be happy and free. The truth is I needed no validation to honor who I was, who I am. This is the true freedom, the true path to specialness.
We are all here to expand and to see the possibilities. There is no other goal, directive, or orientation. Expansion is the galactic mission and when in a channeled state, a higher vibrational state, the mission is clear. I invite you to release all wounds around specialness, around what you feel you need to give to or get from others, it is of no consequence to your higher order. You have orders straight from the highest authority - Spirit - and from this authority there is only guidance based in love and support for your uniqueness and highest vision for life. Your call to expand is your only priority. Specialness has nothing to do with it. Yes, you are special in the universal alignment of things, you are here for a reason, on this planet for a reason, incarnated into this life for a reason, and a part of all things, equipped with the gifts and capacities uniquely tailored for the manifestation of your vision. But this has nothing to do with other people or how you “measure up.”
All measuring systems are used to determine a kind of “specialness” based in ego, in scarcity and competition, which is a grand illusion. There is no specialness based in comparison to others or to anything else on this planet, let alone the universe. This is simply the ego’s attempt at survival based on the belief that you are not already worthy, already whole and already loved. In direct connection to Spirit, you may live with the deep knowing that your path is aligned just for you and in perfect resonance with the order of all things. You are part of the wholeness and are entirely whole within your Self. No other kind of knowing is needed, no other kind of “achievement” or accolade, no other kind of specialness. Relax. Your ascension is underway and all beings, all entities, all dimensions are supporting you now. Keep listening and tuning in for further orders, while also listening to the needs of the body. Your connection to Spirit is special and tailored just for you. The needs of your body are special and tailored just for you. You are the giver of specially attuned, hand-made care, compassion, and consideration for your body. You have within you the capacity to nourish, relax, and support your body and mind as it grows into your highest expression, expansion, and mission here on Earth. This is all very special, indeed.